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 It's
over. Your relationship has ended and the reality of being alone
shocks your system like freezing water on sunburned skin. Some
singles may hop back into the dating pool with a speediness that
would make J.Lo dizzy. Others hole up in their bedrooms, staring
at the ceiling and wondering what went wrong. Neither of these
scenarios are bad, as long as they aren't the only tactics that
you take. In terms of emotional health and a balanced outlook, a
combination of things are important to remember when you're
between relationships:
1.
Analyze what went wrong.
This means going beyond "he never bought me flowers."
What were the main problems in the relationship and how did you
contribute to them? No matter what the issue, from inattention
to verbal abuse, a relationship is a two-way street. Realizing
what the problem was and your role in it will prevent you from
attracting a similar situation. "I was really angry at my
ex because he always treated me like a second fiddle to his
friends, his job, his hobbies," says Liz, 28, of her last
relationship. "When we broke up, I carried that anger
around for a long time. I only seemed to meet more self-involved
jerks. Then I realized that I had made the situation worse by
accepting it. I was actually angry at myself for putting up with
that nonsense. Now that I know that I have the power to choose
what is acceptable to me in a relationship, I'm no longer angry.
I'm starting to meet nice guys, now."
2. Let go.
Do not go over and over in your mind about what went wrong and
what you should have done. Jealousy, resentment and anger
concerning your past relationship should all be washed down with
your first round of post-break-up margaritas. Learn from the
relationship and open yourself up to new ones.
3. Spend some time alone.
Friends are great in times like these, but you must face
yourself and the prospect of being alone. It's not a bad thing.
Use all that time you used to devote to your relationship and
pamper yourself. Write in a journal, read your favorite books,
buy your favorite foods. Reacquaint yourself with you.
4. Slowly start to socialize.
It's important not to get stuck in a solitary existence. You
don't need to go out every night, but force yourself to attend
events you enjoy — film festivals, gallery openings, sports
events, fund-raisers. As long as you're out doing something you
like, you'll feel comfortable and happy.
5. Be clear on what you want.
Are you interested in casual dating? Are you looking for a
serious relationship, and what are the parameters? Don't just
throw yourself out there and expect to find compatible singles.
Be focused on what you do and don't want. "After my last,
difficult relationship, I decided I didn't want anything serious
for a long time," says Joyce, a laid-back 43-year-old.
"Unfortunately, I didn't communicate that to the men I met
and I wound up getting tangled in several sticky situations
where the men wanted a commitment. Now I quickly make it plain
that I'm just having fun right now. If they want more, they can
move on."
6. Avoid fast-paced relationships.
The classic rebound relationship happens shortly after a
break-up and escalates at an unnatural pace. Do not be in a
hurry to substitute your old relationship. Take your time, get
to know the person and enjoy dating again.
7. Don't expect your dates to be like
your ex.
If your ex cheated, don't go sniffing your new man for strange
perfume. If he was a commitment-phobe, don't demand an
engagement ring in three months. If your past love was a perfect
gentleman, don't walk away from a date if he doesn't hold the
door for you. Remember, the past is gone, don't try to recreate
it. Open your mind to new experiences.
8. Have fun.
Lose the rigid dating time lines and desperate comparisons to
your married friends. Life does not always go according to
plans. Wear you hair in pigtails, paint your toenails different
colors, flirt with that waiter who's way too young for you. You
just might like it. Appreciate this time to explore new
possibilities for love, growth and happiness.
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